The P Word
At the homeschool convention a couple of weeks ago, I attended a workshop entitled, "Keeping Your Teen on the Road to Purity." It was presented by a vendor whose business/ministry is to provide books and tapes and seminars and resources to parents who would attend the sort of workshop that would be entitled "Keeping Your Teen On The Road To Purity." Namely, me.
Except that what that vendor, and that workshop, did not acknowledge and may not have understood at all is that people like me are very conflicted on the topic of Purity (with a capital P). And I know I can't be the only person out there who is drawn to stuff like this even though the very word "purity" makes my skin crawl.
I'm not kidding about that... when I hear that word, I have a very real and very visceral reaction that's sort of like nausea. I'm pretty sure it's because there are so many people in the church who use their sexual mores as a baseball bat for beating up everyone else who doesn't adhere to their standards. The Church Lady was funny for a reason... we all knew one, didn't we? Anyway, the word "purity" has negative connotations for me that I'm pretty sure the Lord did not intend for the word to have.
And yet... I still go to workshops with the P word in the title. Why?
I spent some time after the convention thinking about this dichotomy within me. How can I mock jumper-wearing goody-two-shoes who say the word "Purity" as though it were made of syrup and still be drawn to those workshops and those vendor booths like a moth to a flame? Actions speak louder than words... if my feet are taking me into that booth, there's something in my heart guiding them.
Here's what I figured out: Purity is not something I can aspire to for myself. Or my kids. Because purity, the way I was taught it, means never, ever screwing up. (No pun intended. Ok, maybe a little.) Purity is this golden ideal that I in my sinful and fleshly form can never achieve, and I don't feel anything right about asking my kids to shoot for it, either, knowing that their bodies and hearts are no less sinful than mine.
But there is something to be gleaned from all the teaching and the books and the seminars... and that's relationship skills.
Maybe I can never live in such a way that I can call my heart pure. I'm constantly reminded that there's nothing I can do to make my kids pure! (see earlier posts!) But I can learn the skills that are required to value myself and other people, and those I can teach my kids.
For example - one little nugget of truth I gleaned from one of the P word books is the idea of what it means to love your fellow man, your brother or sister, in a Christ-like way. If you are a man, and you want to show true love to a woman to whom you are not married, you will not play games with her heart. You will not cause her to believe that you really love her and desire her as a wife if you do not. You will not use love as a tool for getting sex from her. Similarly, if you are a woman who genuinely loves a man who is not your husband, you will not want to use your body to wreak havoc on his mind and heart. You will not use sex or sex appeal as a tool for getting love from him. Whether you are a man or a woman, you will exercise self-control, not only as a protection for yourself but also as a protection for those with whom you are in relationship.
Well, this is valuable stuff. It was written for teens and single adults in an effort to encourage sexual purity... but it has implications for everyone, married or single. The self-control skills, the instinct to respect others with whom you are in relationship, the setting aside of your own needs in order to honor the needs of others - these are skills that you need whether you are single or married. Sexual temptation is not just for teenagers. It never goes away, as far as I can tell. So if I want my children to have stable, healthy, committed marriages as adults, I want to encourage a lifetime of self-control - a lifetime of thinking long-term about sexuality and not just about the desires of the moment. This type of virtue they will always need.
So, I have this big stack of books and tapes that I bought, and I can breathe a sigh of relief that all that money did not go to waste. I didn't spend it in the vain hopes of achieving the P word... it was an investment in helping them develop relationship skills. And that's a goal I can set without feeling like the Church Lady.
Except that what that vendor, and that workshop, did not acknowledge and may not have understood at all is that people like me are very conflicted on the topic of Purity (with a capital P). And I know I can't be the only person out there who is drawn to stuff like this even though the very word "purity" makes my skin crawl.
I'm not kidding about that... when I hear that word, I have a very real and very visceral reaction that's sort of like nausea. I'm pretty sure it's because there are so many people in the church who use their sexual mores as a baseball bat for beating up everyone else who doesn't adhere to their standards. The Church Lady was funny for a reason... we all knew one, didn't we? Anyway, the word "purity" has negative connotations for me that I'm pretty sure the Lord did not intend for the word to have.
And yet... I still go to workshops with the P word in the title. Why?
I spent some time after the convention thinking about this dichotomy within me. How can I mock jumper-wearing goody-two-shoes who say the word "Purity" as though it were made of syrup and still be drawn to those workshops and those vendor booths like a moth to a flame? Actions speak louder than words... if my feet are taking me into that booth, there's something in my heart guiding them.
Here's what I figured out: Purity is not something I can aspire to for myself. Or my kids. Because purity, the way I was taught it, means never, ever screwing up. (No pun intended. Ok, maybe a little.) Purity is this golden ideal that I in my sinful and fleshly form can never achieve, and I don't feel anything right about asking my kids to shoot for it, either, knowing that their bodies and hearts are no less sinful than mine.
But there is something to be gleaned from all the teaching and the books and the seminars... and that's relationship skills.
Maybe I can never live in such a way that I can call my heart pure. I'm constantly reminded that there's nothing I can do to make my kids pure! (see earlier posts!) But I can learn the skills that are required to value myself and other people, and those I can teach my kids.
For example - one little nugget of truth I gleaned from one of the P word books is the idea of what it means to love your fellow man, your brother or sister, in a Christ-like way. If you are a man, and you want to show true love to a woman to whom you are not married, you will not play games with her heart. You will not cause her to believe that you really love her and desire her as a wife if you do not. You will not use love as a tool for getting sex from her. Similarly, if you are a woman who genuinely loves a man who is not your husband, you will not want to use your body to wreak havoc on his mind and heart. You will not use sex or sex appeal as a tool for getting love from him. Whether you are a man or a woman, you will exercise self-control, not only as a protection for yourself but also as a protection for those with whom you are in relationship.
Well, this is valuable stuff. It was written for teens and single adults in an effort to encourage sexual purity... but it has implications for everyone, married or single. The self-control skills, the instinct to respect others with whom you are in relationship, the setting aside of your own needs in order to honor the needs of others - these are skills that you need whether you are single or married. Sexual temptation is not just for teenagers. It never goes away, as far as I can tell. So if I want my children to have stable, healthy, committed marriages as adults, I want to encourage a lifetime of self-control - a lifetime of thinking long-term about sexuality and not just about the desires of the moment. This type of virtue they will always need.
So, I have this big stack of books and tapes that I bought, and I can breathe a sigh of relief that all that money did not go to waste. I didn't spend it in the vain hopes of achieving the P word... it was an investment in helping them develop relationship skills. And that's a goal I can set without feeling like the Church Lady.
posted by Mamabird @ 10:45 PM
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