Disappointment

Wow, what good thoughts you all have on disappointment.

Here is what I think, right now, at this moment in time and with the limited view that I have at this stage in my life. (I’ve lived long enough to eat more than a few words, so that little disclaimer is an acknowledgement that later on down the road I’ll say, “Wow, were you ever an idiot!”)

I think there are several different ways you can look at the question of disappointment. One is a practical, therapeutic approach. I find this approach helpful for a certain “level” of disappointment – the one that you feel is not so big, but it is interfering with your ability to relate to someone or your ability to be content with a small but nagging frustration.

The therapy approach is to change the "tapes" playing in your head. Disappointment and hurt cause stewing. You know the condition – all these emotional, irrational thoughts plague you and you stew on them. “If he loved me he would….” “She must really hate me! Why else would she…” etc. When the stewing starts, you have to confront that thought and replace it with another one. There are many choices here - you can choose a scripture about being God's beloved, or pray and ask Him for a new thought, or tell yourself a different truth about your spouse or parent or friend - that God put them in your life, that their love for you is not solely wrapped up in the unmet-desire-of-the-moment, that the relationship is more important than whatever it is they are not doing for you.

But there is a deeper approach that, while more difficult, also brings greater blessing. This way of thinking about disappointment is particularly applicable to marriage, as there’s just nothing like living with another person to bring out the whiner in any of us! (grin) Seriously, though, this approach is predicated on the truth that your spouse is your mission field, as you are his. I have long believed this, but I heard a sermon on a CD this week that affirmed it - that God gives us our spouses not for our happiness but for our holiness. Husbands are His chosen instrument for making us like Christ. This pastor said, "Most people get divorced just when the process God wants them to go through is starting to work!" (I said, "Amen!") Not that there's never a reason to divorce - but the point is that the difficulty - the disappointment - the not getting what we want - has a divine purpose, and if we try to escape that purpose by leaving the situation, or even by numbing ourselves to the disappointed desire, we are thwarting the real work God is trying to do.

So a deeper way to deal with disappointment is to ask, "What is God exposing in your heart that He wants you to let go of? Is there an idol rearing its ugly head in your frustration? An enslavement that is deeply embedded in your heart from which He longs to free you? A lie from your past whose wounds He wants to heal?" The weight of a human soul is too heavy for any other mortal to bear. Whatever it is that you want and are not getting may look like a surface desire, maybe even a “silly” one – but if it is producing that kind of deep disappointment in you, causing you to spiral into discontentment, then perhaps there is really a bulkier issue under the surface.

Our deep, deep need to be loved and affirmed and cherished was never designed to be met by our husbands (or wives). Only our Maker, our True Lover, can take it on. Trust that He is REALLY good. Tell yourself the truth about what you really want, about what your disappointment reveals. Take it to Him without fear. He will not condemn you. He confronted you about it in the first place, putting you in your situation to drive you into His arms. His love will transform you into a Great Beauty.

(And - lest we get too lofty here - like Patty said, I don’t do this well either. I’m a real baby when it comes to maturity in this area. But that doesn’t discourage me. As Dallas Willard says, just because you’re not a perfect disciple doesn’t mean you’re not a disciple.)